She came home from school....

...and said her head hurt. Of course the first thing the Huz and I do was to ask her HOW and WHERE she got hurt (she's been really, really good about telling us those details - with enough patience and prompting), so it was a bit confusing when she simply said, "My head hurts, I'm sick - I need my doctor." Note: she's been saying the doctor thing for a few weeks now, since the cold and coughing deal's been circulating throughout our household!

But this was different. The Huz realized it first when he said he thought she had a headache, and quickly administered a dose of children's motrin for our poor, pained, and complaining NBear. :(

My heart sank when I noticed that her headache showed all the signs of a migraine in the making - a genetic flaw she unfortunately couldn't help but inherit: she was stripping her uniform off (heat often triggers my episodes) and wanted to get into a super-thin sundress, she refused to stay in her brightly-lit room (opting instead for mommy and daddy's dimmer retreat), and - perhaps the most obvious clue to the cause of her suffering - she lay flat on her face and buried herself underneath our quilt. As all migraine sufferers know, LIGHT is the enemy when our heads are pounding. She cried for a good 10 minutes after that, and headed to the bathroom to throw up, and then was able to sleep for a bit.

The Huz was beside himself. (My poor NBear! She's just a kid. Why does she have to have so many things against her?) To which I replied: Well, she does have one thing to her advantage! (What?)...US! *smiling* I mean, you're looking at one of the MIGRAINE experts in the world, honey! I know how to make her feel better. *I mean, what do they say you do when life gives you lemons, right?*

Fortunately, her episode was short-lived. Whew! The Huz went to check on her a few hours later and she had not only emerged from her nap much happier, but greeted him with this wonderful group of sentences: "I feel better. Thanks Dad! You're the BEST!"

No, NBear....YOU are:)

yes, there can. :(

A few months ago, I had a visit from a childhood friend whose son had also been diagnosed with autism. He's three, and has had / is currently receiving early intervention services (thanks to his diligent parents).

In the course of our catching up, she said she was still concerned because he walks off-balance, and I wasn't sure how to react to that - the reason being, it's not exactly a classic symptom our kids have.

So what do I do after she tells me that they're going to bring him back to his pediatrician for further evaluation? The...dumbest...thing...possible. I cringe just thinking about how utterly and incredibly idiotic I was to think I was reassuring her! *kicking myself*

I told her that "there could be nothing worse than getting a diagnosis of autism, so you will definitely be okay!" Well, there WAS something worse. Much worse. This.

My lesson is learned. I must remember that the world does not revolve around my kid's issues. I must remember that in this world, one cannot close oneself in a bubble of egocentricity because it prevents an empathy for parents who also suffer dealing with other conditions. In this world, one can't heal hearts by starting with the words "Well at least..." or "It can't be any worse than..." because a parent whose child is not considered "typical" could very well care less.

But most importantly, I must remember to pray, to love, to pray, to beg, to cry, to pray, to support, to educate others.....not just for MY issues, but for THEIRS as well, because the hard truth here is - we are all in this together. All of us.

Please accept this big hug, and this apology from the DEPTH of my heart.
I am truly sorry.
Truly.

Bowling, Birthdays, and Back-thens...

We decided to make it a Sunday FUN day for the fam, so the Huz thought it was time we dusted off our bowling bags, and head for the alleys! The last time we had gone, just a few months ago, NBear did a GREAT job! Seriously, it was nice to see her (although she did cover her ears every time the ball would inch near the pins - like she was bracing herself for an explosive collision) go up there and hurl her ball onto the wooden floor. LOL! I really do think that bowling is such good practice for our A-club kids, in that it helps with depth-perception practice (you know what I mean), and focus. Not to mention turn-taking:)

Unfortunately, we didn't have a camera handy (and you can forget about us taking pics with our phones and uploading them. Sounds just as easy as building a nuclear fusion machine!). Too bad! It would have caught the funny moments she had swinging the ball a good 5-7 times before deciding she wanted one of us to help her with the "letting go" part. She actually held people up because she would take SO long to let the ball go! *frustrating but funny!* After a few practice runs, though - I had my bowler back. This time it was even better: no more ear covering, and she remained focused on the ball as it made its painfully SLOW trip down the slippery road. Yeah, Mommy! I did it! I did it! :)

We celebrated her 3rd birthday party at the same bowling alley.
A few months after these photos were taken, she was officially diagnosed with autism.

I love this picture - I had just woken her up from a long nap, and she was not amused. Despite the beautiful braids and daddy's "Look at the camera!" requests, it was very difficult to get my future photographer to see the sense in needing to do such a simple task as...looking.

...but we never gave up, never stopped treating her like a regular kid, and the Huz took her up to the magical aisle for the FIRST time that day.
He gave her the ball, and they held on together...
...and even though (at that time) she didn't respond to the thrill of the moment, didn't smile when we all cheered her on, didn't seem to understand the happiness that swirled around the celebration of another year of her life, or didn't interact with her confused peers,

...she was still able to experience rolling the ball down the alley, and got a HUGE hug from the person who would - four years later - be the same one giving her DOUBLE HIGH-FIVES for scoring a 56. :)
I was right there with him!

good--bad days

Thank you, HopeFaithBelieve, for this - another story of yet another child whose life (we all hope) will one day be our child's.

Or at least, I do. :)

It's funny because just now I asked the Huz, "Honey - when NBear has her BAD days - are they GOOD--BAD days?" I laugh just seeing myself type that up, knowing how ridiculous that may look to anyone else. RIDICULOUS! It's either good or bad, right? Black or white? Hot and Cold? Yes and No? In and Out?...oh wait - too much Katy Perry does not a good blogger make! (NBear LOVES that song to death, by the way).

The Huz replies by telling me that she can at least verbalize what she wants now (I know), as opposed to being non-verbal (I know). She knows what she wants, and how to express that (I know), and for that we should be thankful (I am). *sigh* When my friends ask me how she's doing now that she's pretty much off her regular biomeds routine, I answer with a very honest, "I don't notice too much of a difference - I mean, she's still doing fine!" - and then I need to step back and look at the bigger picture: can she be doing BETTER? Did we make a mistake and pull her out too early? It is nerve-wracking indeed.

My gut tells me that we need to wait to replenish our funds first, before plunging back into another DAN! session. But, is it doing her any good?

THAT - is what kills me. :( Bummer.

March already?

*My how time flies*

I'm currently enduring an NBear not-so-hot moment. *sigh*

What would you do if your child decides to strap on her hot-pink in-line skates, play roller skating rink in the kitchen (which is hardly what we would call spacious), all the while JUMPING repeatedly (though impressive, quite irksome when Mommybear is trying to suppress an impending migraine), and "crashing" herself into the lower cabinets as she zooms along?

Oh - I forgot. Add the following to this scenario: She's been doing this for the past 20 or so minutes, all the while adding her notorious TV talk and endless stream of yellswhinesscreamsyellsyipeeswhoaswhines. *I will not scream, I will not scream, I will not scream....*

My choices?
1) Give in and scream.
2) Rip the skates off her feet myself.
3) Take my anger out on the real root of this problem: The Huz - who gave her the skates in the FIRST place!

............I'm so glad writing soothes me.
...and that my laptop was here.

Sorry *pout*. Just one of those darn days - err, nights.

Whaaaa...???

*photo - NBear with Kimo in Guam, September 2008*

She LOVES animals!

Can everyone see this?

Yup - I'm a facebook fan...atic, but I happened upon this "Cure Autism Cause" page thru (through) a cousin's invitation.

I didn't realize there was a whole community out there of people who did NOT think ASD conditions should be cured! I feel like I've discovered a lost civilization of sorts:

Two reasons why this cause is horrible.

Post #1
1. There is nothing wrong with being autistic. 2. The most talented and intellectual people on earth are on the autistic spectrum. p.s. A group for awareness and advocacy would be great. Curing it is not the answer.


Post #2
i agree

Post #3
Wow I never saw it that way!! That is so true! My brother has a child whom is autistic....

Post #4
I agree it should not be 'cured'. Recent research has discovered that those with autistic spectrum disorders actually have more highly developed brain columns and have faster firing neurons than a 'normal' brain. Similar to Savants, ASD appears to over-ride primal instincts and the brain begins to work more like a computer. Children with ASD are highly intelligent - they just need more help with being able to express their thoughts as they can apprear random, when they just need channelling.

Post #5
Not to mention that autistic people have just as much of potential to be happy as anyone else. The people complaining are the family members who consider their autistic sons/daughters or siblings a "burden." Someone with cancer or aids would be more than happy to have a cure, but would an autistic person really want to change who they are?


Post #6
no they wouldn't - if you went to China, you'd learn to communicate in Chinese, France, you learn French - how about the so called "normies" learn to communicate autistically, and learn to develop their other senses other than just flap their gums a while....how many english speaking people use the language, and don't understand what they are saying in the first place!!! LOLhave the potential to be happy - they exceed most people with their daily gratitude in the first place... my 21 yo daughter says she has no desire to change because she doesn't know how to be anything but autistic....who has the problem here???

Post #7
Okay my autistic son is gifted, very bright, yadda, yadda. However, I have friends with AS children who are severe/profound in their disabilities - and they want a CURE.There are two sides of every argument.


Post #8
My son is PDD NOS, he behaves 'normally' in most things, now, after getting him much Occupational and Speech Therapy. But when his allergies flare up, his brain doesn't work the same and his PDD NOS becomes very obvious and the typical behaviors are present. When you get a 'cure' it doesn't mean it has to go away. I want the research to provide a better understanding of what happens, so when the communication breaks don't happen. The fits and inconsolable moments are rare. Let them flourish without some of the negative aspects that are associated with it.My son is not a burden.

Post #9
Okay, if you don't want to "cure" autism-spectrum, how about reaching a level of knowledge where it's possible for autism-spectrum kids to have what we laughingly call "normal" lives, including the ability to form friendships and interact with other people on both one's own and the other person's level? And the ability to deal with changes without having a meltdown?--Phil, parent of an Asperger's Disorder suffer-er

Post #10
I am a behavioral therapist who works with ASD kids, those of you who think that a cure is a bad thing have obviously never been close to someone who is so severly imparied by this disorder that they can not communicate to you when they are feeling hungry, sad or sick.

...but, to be quite frank - I don't GET these people (the ones who are anti-cure)!

Not.At.All.

What I wouldn't do to make my princess better. :)

Thanks, RMS!

Childhood friend and NBear-godparent RMS sent me this short but sweet (and significant) link:

I little more light was added to the end of MY tunnel, I tell ya....


*Hope they win! crossing fingers like crazy!*

Today

*photo taken on her 7th birthday this past June, at her cousin's house (she had just learned how to appreciate goggles!)*

Today -

1) MamaBear (my alter-ego, when MommyBear is not as relaxed as she should be!) took half a day off of work to go to NBear's annual IEP.

2) MamaBear and the Huz found out that NBear has met many of the academic goals that her IEP had stated. *yeah*...although we heard the usual, "She is great at reading, BUT needs work with comprehension!" (So do my 4th graders....I thought to myself...)

3) We reiterated the need to keep her on a GFCF diet, and that she could not indulge in the same snacks her other classmates had, if they contained the dreaded ingredients. This was the part I hated because we had to bring up the whole biomeds program, since her principal and BMT supervisor were there - (You know, the Jenny McCarthy story? Oh, I see you're not familiar with it. Well, it is OUTSIDE the umbrella of the typical way people "treat" autism, and it involves believing that your child can make huge gains - which we have definitely seen - with supplements and chelation.......)

Let me just tell you, that no matter how convinced you are that you know what's best for your child, you will always feel like you're saying the wrong thing when you get nods and confused stares in return.

Oh well. :)

4) We learned that she still had her fits during mainstreaming, and would sometimes go to the bathroom and dilly-dally in the hallway to avoid having to do the work that was assigned! Needless to say, the Huz meekly added "I think she got that from me..."

5) I smiled to myself at how far she has come.

6) I thought it'd be nice to share that with you:)

....nite.

Three things:

Because I'm in a Lovely Listing (otherwise known as Energetically Enumerating) mood, here goes:

1. Having had NBear on biomeds under the care of one Dr. Mielke, it's become easy for us to see when a yeast overgrowth is occurring. (3 things to remember, as per Dr. Mielke - stimmy, silly, spacey) So, it looks like we'll be following what Jenny put in her book - To remove Evan's candida, we did start him out on a prescription of Diflucan but after a few weeks, I switched him to a natural supplement that did the same thing. It is called ThreeLac, and if you Google it, you will find many places that carry it. (page 200, Louder than Words)

2. We went to my mom's apartment yesterday, and - for the first time EVER - we both noticed that NBear had NOT once rewound the Blues Clues video she was watching. (Mind you - this is her routine as soon as she enters the door: say hi to grandma, rush to the TV and VCR *yes, VCR - remember those?*, pop in the video, and rewind certain scenes numerous times until we leave.) It was a good day!

3. This post was beautiful. It features a teenage orator named Soeren Palumbo, taken during a speech he makes during (I'm assuming) a student body assembly. He doesn't talk about autism specifically, but about disabilities as a whole - and how the world (as we know) can be a cruel, unforgiving place. I won't tell you anything more, in hopes that you will watch it in its entirety. Don't let the shaky camera in the beginning turn you off to the rest of the video!

What are YOUR three things? :)

Hair today, gone tomorrow!

Serves us right for thinking we could leave the girls alone downstairs for a bit!

Just a few minutes ago, I was jolted out of my seat (here, at the computer) by the sound of NBear's footsteps running up the stairs, and her squealing voice uttering these words:

Mommy --- Daddy! Is MBear! Is MBear is haircut! Zzzizzors!

I grabbed SBear in my arms, ran to the door (at the same time saying "Whaaat!??" while the Huz - who obviously heard the message - also made his way toward me. We met at the top of the stairs, both groaning the words "Oh no...oh my gawd....oooohhhhhh" and dreading having to catch sight of our daughter's new 'do.

I don't know what visual Huz had prepared for himself, but I had images of the movie "Powder" in mine. Then, the inevitable onslaught of images came: Yul Brynner in "The King and I"...Gordon from Sesame Street...Caillou....even Milla Jovovich in "The Fifth Element"....you get my point.

* The bad news --MBear had indeed chopped off a significant amount (no photos taken - I don't want to remember how angry I was at her!) of her tresses. The evidence was all over the carpet and on their play slide! No - I do NOT want to know how the heck chunks of her hair got on the slide!

* The good news -- the part she chopped off was close enough to her bangs, they simply looked like a "layered" addition to her look. (Or maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better? The Huz certainly won't agree with the Layered-look theory because he said "See? Look at you now! You look so funny!") sigh.

*The BEST news -- *just in case you missed it in the beginning!* YES! NBear actually told us what had happened! (She's also been good about telling us when one of her siblings has an accident, but "poopoo" is much easier to explain in one word than when somebody cuts their own hair off). The other neat thing happened when I was making my way down the stairs. I guess she sensed the angst and anger building up inside Mommy Bear because she quickly turned my face towards hers and said something like:

NBear GOOD GIRL! I love you, Mommy! (I love you, too) MBear is barbershop!

...and then when I acknowledged what she had said, That's right, honey - you are a good girl! Thanks for telling us, and for not cutting your hair, she gave me a *thumbs up*! :) HAHA!

Talk about knowing how to save her behind, huh?

I leave you now with another photo from NBear's gallery. I'll call this - MBear, before the Z-mishap. Enjoy.

Movies and Dogs and Hotels oh my!

Gotta love LM! thank you, thank you, thank you...

Last night was the first time I went to the movies with NBear without the Huz.

Yes, I was pretty nervous, but when LM suggested that we watch a movie with her and super-duper cutie daughter J (with MBear in tow, of course), I practically leaped at the chance to be able to say these words to myself: "Yes, NBear went to the movies with a friend! She had a great time, and - oh my gosh - it was an official kiddie outing!"

Of course, the night did not begin so well *lol*. After the Huz picked her up from her social group at school, I told her about the movie plans and hyped it up as much as I could (Come on, Nbear! Yeah! We're going to watch a movie ..NO MOVIES, MAMA! NO MOVIE ANYMORE...so you have to change your clothes, ok?) She ran upstairs excitedly, and just as I was about to claim victory, Huz says, "She just changed into her pajamas." My smile disappeared.

I don't know how I managed it (perhaps she saw MBear dressed and ready to go?) but she later agreed to put on movie-appropriate garb, and with LM and sweetie-J in our van, we headed to the theater to watch this. Woof.

*Yes, she covered her ears and closed her eyes for a few of the movie scenes -

*Yes, she made nonsensical noises and uttered some"tv talk" throughout the show -

*Yes, she echoed some of the scenes' lines when the characters would say them (Friday? Where are you?...Friday? Where are you????)

* read every...single....word (or attempted to read) shown in the movie - OUT LOUD.

BUT - YES, she also...

* made some conversation with the ticket person (Hi! How are you?)

* attempted to pay for mommy's popcorn with her movie ticket (Here you go! *holding ticket up to the confused popcorn-scooping man)

* had many "conversational" moments with LM and J

* very obviously enjoyed herself :)

Mommy Bear is happy. Very, very happy:)

Here's to your first movie night "playdate", sweetheart *big hug*!

I love love love love love you *muah*

Note: Plus, it didn't hurt that there were 3 kids in the theater screaming their lungs out. It certainly made me feel so much better. HAHAHAHA!

What if...

Thanks, Ginger - for this wonderful post-to-a-post, on your blog :)

Funny how we're also learning about multiple perspectives in my classroom!

Eye-opening, indeed. I'm hoping a TON of people have read it.

*side note*
Sorry for not having an NBear original pic to post - been blogging from work (after school!) because I know I won't have time at home....I wonder why? *lol*

Thoughts on Thanks

My name is NBear, and five years ago, my parents got the bad news that I had autism. That's kind of funny, considering I don't feel any different from anyone else, and I most certainly don't look any different - in fact, I feel like a regular, energetic (Mommy and Daddy call it something like "hyper"?) seven year-old!

I've been noticing all the thanks people have been talking about today, so I thought I'd make a list of my own!

I, NBear, am wholeheartedly thankful for:

*

my little sisters MBear and SBear - but mostly MBear (at least at this age, because SBear isn't as much fun when I want to play run-around-and-chase-me. She does this funny crawling thing that takes waaaayyyy too long!)...mostly MBear, because she takes the time to have conversations with me, and doesn't seem to mind when they get repetitive.

*the DVD player and remote! I know this drives everyone mad, but I absolutely LOVE watching scenes over and over again - how can they not see the beauty in that?

*the people who've created YUMMY gluten-free, dairy-free, and egg-free snacks for my palate's pleasure -- there are too many to mention!

*my father, who has searched HIGH and LOW for those snacks, and my mother who blogs for me :)

*my 2nd grade teacher - who is a breath of fresh air because she really does have the experience and care that my parents have been looking for:)

*my awesome speech therapist, whom I have been reunited with! (I first met her when I was two, when my parents thought all I had was a speech impediment - it was she who, with a heavy heart, said that they should look at "the possibility of something else" because I was "exhibiting behaviors that were common with kids on the autism spectrum". So basically, she set us all on the right track to my success!

*Pixar studios - without whom I wouldn't have gotten to know my most favorite movie characters of all time: WOODY and JESSIE. (Nemo comes a close second, though)

*and finally, Mr. Walt Disney - for creating a world where even kids like me can feel magical. *sigh* (Plus, it helps that you do this for us! A million thanks!)

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, everybody ~ *hugs*

Still going to BaROCK the vote, but.....

...I thought this was interesting. :)

Side to the Huz:
Whaddaya think, honey?

Re: mainstreaming

It all started with this note in NBear's communication notebook:

9/2/08
NBear will start her mainstreaming tomorrow in Mrs. MT's class (room 4). She'll join the line of Mrs. MT and will stay with Mrs. MT until 9:45am. Mrs. MT wants to start without an aide. [I circled that last sentence and wrote: "What about fading?" next to it] Also, I'm sending home a "words for writing" guide. You can use the words as she forms the letters.

Ms. SDCT

....and turned into this non-person-to-person conversational piece! *LOL*

9/2/08
Please know that I am extremely nervous about sending her to her mainstreaming class without an aide. :( To start, NBear is not familiar with any of the students - so that will definitely be to her disadvantage. I'm very happy that Mrs. MT is willing to try out this arrangement, but I don't want her to become frustrated when NBear gets distracted - or worse, distracts her students. (Just my two cents).

I am looking forward to hearing about how her first day of mainstreaming went. Please email me when you get the chance.

- mommyBear

9/3/08 (via email)
NBear's first day of mainstreaming went well, but was not able to be on her own. In the beginning, the aide was just outside Room 4. He went inside to support NBear - when he saw her put her face down on the desk, rolled on the floor instead of following what the other kids were doing. After around 5 minutes - she was able to join the group, tried to listen, answered a question and wrote a one-sentence journal about a flower. She required constant redirection to get focus. We will continue to have an aide with her.

You can e-mail Mrs. MT. Don't worry, I have been mainstreaming kids in her room and we never had a problem. She's great with our kids.

Mrs. SDCT

9/3/08 (email reply)
Thanks so much for letting me know. It’s also good to know that Mrs. MT has been so supportive to SDC kids – that’s a relief, and makes me feel better knowing NBear is in her class. We all hope for the day she won’t need an aide.

Please give me her email, so I can also touch base with her, and vice versa.

I really appreciate you keeping me informed, Ms. SDCT.

~mommybear

9/3/08
You already have it in NBear's notebook. I've already talked to her and you can e-mail her.

~Mrs. SDCT

9/3/08
Hahaha J – sorry, Mrs. SDCT – I know that it is in NBear’s notebook, however, I am still at work. I can’t remember what her first name was.

~mommybear

9/5/08 *Yes, it was sent ALL-CAPS....oh well:)*

NBEAR'S GETTING BETTER EVERYDAY IN HER MAINSTREAMING. MRS. MT SENT THE BMT AWAY AND SHE DID WHAT THE REST WERE DOING IN HER CLASS. NBEAR STAYED THERE UNTIL 10 AM. IT WAS NBEAR WHO TOLD MRS. MT THAT SHE HAD TO GO.

AT ROOM 16 SHE DID A LOT OF WORK AND HAD A CHANCE TO TAKE HER BREAK AS WELL ON THE COMPUTER (15 MINUTES) AND ON THE TRAMPOLINE.

I'LL SEE YOU NEXT THURSDAY from 3:45 - 4:05.
(from Mrs. SDCT)

*So far, so good! Keep in mind that NBear is in the 2nd grade, though - and her mainstreaming class is a combo 1st and 2nd grade. :)*

I want Disney-waynd, pwease! (Not without a PASS!)

Oh boy. Wish us luck.

We will dare yet again to conquer the happiest place on earth (and California Adventures) with the three bears this weekend. Two bears was already a bit of a challenge last year - factor in the extra weight I had to carry when I was with child, and it adds up to an experience you hope to never have to repeat. *lol*

Nah...actually, we had a great time! Our fears of having to go through one of NBear's tantrums while in an hour-long queue, were quickly quelled when a friend of mine (thanks a million, JA!) suggested that we go to the Disneyland City Hall, and ask for a Disability Pass for NBear.

Yes! Disney considers autism a condition that is worthy of a "go-to-the-front-of-the-line" pass! How wonderful is that? :) That small ticket was the true magic for NBear that day. Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo!

We were able to ride almost everything in record time, which was great because it didn't give her the chance to realize how hot it was! This was before her biomeds program, when everything was still pretty much like walking on eggshells and fearing the worst! Her communication and social skills weren't as "developed" back then as they are now.

Sure, she still had her moments - like when she covered her ears for the first parts of the rides (I loved how she kept one hand on an ear while the other shot lasers at aliens - can you name that ride?) , and when she lost it for a good 10 minutes while watching the firework finale. (That was tough! She tried running away, crying, hands shoving down on her ears. We almost had to sit on her to calm her down. Not a happy memory at all, but at least it was at the end of the day!)

When it was over, her smile returned and she said "Aaaallll Done!" *sigh*

...If your heart is in your dream,

No request is too extreme.

When you wish upon a star,

As dreamers do.....

that day at church

I figure, I'm never going to free myself from this recurring nightmare if I don't (finally) write it down. Thanks, Mrs. C. Nice to know we're not the only ones with this particular struggle.

My friends and family have heard this story at least once, I know. Yeah...I hate it too, but here it goes:

During my summer breaks, I try my best to go to daily mass at our church. Two years ago, while still pregnant with MBear, I decided to celebrate mass (with NBear) in the actual church building with the rest of the congregation- rather than in the crying room. Besides, she had been behaving very nicely for the past few days...so why not?

We walked in, sat down, and listened to the usual (lackluster) music and (monotonal) readings that define the daily Catholic mass. *waiting for the lightning to strike* I made sure we were seated as close to the exit as possible, should NBear's behavior deem the need to plunge back into the crying-room aquarium.

What happened next was incredibly insane. NBear walked up to the "big-bowl-thing-that-holds-the-holy-water", touched its intricate wood carving, and then came back to me. She did this about two more times, not making a sound, not running...and she was always in arm's reach. Which was why - when "woman-who-would-rue-this-day-forever" appeared, I was beyond shock.

I recognized her immediately not because I knew her, but because she had glanced in our direction earlier, from the OTHER SIDE (right, we were on the left) of the church! She walked over to us, and I was utterly speechless when she made a bee-line for my unsuspecting NBear, pointed a scrawny finger at her face and said something like "[You need to] Stop running!" If I was angry then, I turned unbelievably LIVID when NBear walked back toward her chair, doubled over, and put her head on the seat in pure surrender. Ms. WWWRTDF walked away like a triumphant George W. Bush after a presidential debate. Yup, there is no such thing.

As I rubbed NBear's back (she refused to pick her head up) and waited for the final blessing, my hands were shaking. My blood was pounding through my veins like a train gone wild. Ms. Crazy also didn't know that the pregnancy hormones my body now contained, were on fire. I was literally a moving inferno. Like a stalker gone mad, I had watched her as she walked up to receive holy communion (LIGHTNING? Hello?), and never took my eyes off of her so I knew exactly where she sat.

And she sat right next to two visiting Vietnamese nuns.

Ask me if I cared.

With NBear clutching tightly to my sweating hand, I found my way to her little entourage and gave.it.to.her. The memories of my exact words have been diminished over time, but the look on her face (and the nuns') hasn't.

I remember saying that I didn't appreciate what she had done to my child, that my child had autism and did she even know what that was? You know, I come to church everyday to pray that she gets better! Everyday I ask that He make her better. She wasn't even running! How dare you? I would've taken her out if she was running! Do you know what she did after you came to her? She put her head down on her chair and wouldn't look at me! *hands pointing furiously in all directions* Are you saying I should never take her to church, then? [No, I'm not saying that!] Well, you MIGHT AS WELL, after what you did to her! You know what, though? I'm actually GLAD you don't understand {I was too angry to explain that I was glad she didn't have any autistic children} - I would never expect you to understand what I'm going through, anyway! That's all I wanted to say!

I walked my shaky legs back to the car, realizing too late that NBear had turned around to say a meek "Bye!" to Ms. Crazy. She SO did not deserve that.

It was the first real all-out cry I had "performed" without an audience. Unless you consider a dashboard, windshield, and a confused doe-eyed angel an audience.

meeting Mrs. C.

Friends of NBear (Carolyn and LAA, I hope you're reading!): just thought I'd introduce you to Mrs. C - mother of 6 (yes, SIX!), three of whom are on the autistic spectrum *I hope I got that right:) *. She also homeschools two of her angels.

I loved how I was able to relate to a lot of her posts. The following, from her blog, should be evidence of the fact that even A-Club members need a laugh! We all do. Thanks for the humor, Mrs. C. LOL!

(If you're not familiar with the original Serenity Prayer, I suggest you read it first - otherwise, you won't appreciate what follows. Trust me:)

*note: the words "Senility Prayer" and "Madame Monet" are links*

Senility Prayer
From Madame Monet:

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never cared for, the luck to run into those I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Welcome to our A-Club! :)

Mommy Bear the Teacher

During one of my treasure hunts for blogs that discuss autism, I found Cafe Autism. One particular post (Why is the shopping list a secret?) hit me hard. In a nutshell, she describes her frustration in trying to get a school supply list for her child, who is an ESE [Exceptional Student Education] student. *Because schools nationwide seem to have an acronym competition going on, ESE translates to SDC [Special Day Class] in my 'hood. FYI*

I suggested she go right ahead and purchase items from the regular school list (who not?). I refuse to have anyone else become as reluctant as I once was, and end up doubting their child's capabilities, as I once did. How awful is that, huh? For shame! (Although this parent was definitely not one to back down! Yeah!)

I remember looking at the school list when NBear was younger and thinking to myself: "Scissors? SCISSORS? She can't even hold them the right way! Why would she need them now?" ...and a few months after I thought that atrocious thought, she brought home a bunch of cut-out shapes (I didn't even care at that point if her circle looked more like a chewed-up rag than the shape it was meant to depict) and handed them to me with her chubby fingers.

This part - the school part - is a battle fought on both fronts: YOURS (the parent), and THEIRS (the child). Unlike the other battles we fight for our children, this is perhaps the hardest because we have to leave them on the battlefield for some time, to fend for themselves. OF COURSE it's not the same for "normal" children. {note: the Huz just walked in and added, "I think the correct term for 'normal', is 'typical'} Those kids can actually tell when they're being hurt or insulted or teased...and (even better) can TELL their parents exactly what happened to them at school.

At this point, my NBear can tell us (she's doing so well trying to put her sentences together!) that she'd scraped her knee on the playground, but that's about it...for now. :)

Keep fighting, and know there are many (like me!) fighting alongside you.

*If you think the whole school supply list was bad, try purchasing a yearbook for your child, only to open it up and see that her entire SDC class had no names to go with their pictures. I've even heard stories of some schools not including their SDC classes in the books at all. :( I ranted and raved to my other co-teachers about the whole thing. Ugh.*

This is why homeschooling is not always a bad idea.

....if you have Mother Theresa's patience and aren't susceptible to cabin fever and claustrophobia, that is. (sound familiar, friends?)

enter my silver lining for today

Forget about Shark Vacs and missing adapters!

This evening, when I was preparing to give NBear her meds, I dared to try what only her father had previously attempted: getting her to SWALLOW the caplets.

After a few tries with the trace mineral cap (she'd follow me and place it on the back of her tongue, but when she'd take a swig of her water I could see her tongue move the pill precariously to the right side of her mouth) I decided it was time for some visual and vocal help. (That, plus the poor capsule was getting battered and bruised in there - it was flat by the time she realized what needed to be done.)

Me: NBear.....you need to swallow the water, then aaaaallllll gooooonnnneee!

NBear: *confused look*

Me: *opening mouth wide* *gurgling sound* Cuuuuhhhhheeeeeee? Aaannnngggg Goooonnng!

NBear: *looking in my mouth*

Me: Okay, NBear - you have to swallow the water, and then no more medicine in your mouth, ok? All gone!

NBear: *swallows the water, and then opens her mouth to show that it is.....empty.* :)

What ensues is a crazy mother giving her daughter enough high-fives to last a lifetime. I'd say I gave her more than the number of fans Miley Cyrus has.

Plus, I threw in a bowl of Rice Dream ice cream.

Just because.

OH. Almost forgot - I won't be giving her any more of the large ZEN tablets to take in pill form, though. The poor bear was on a roll when she unfortunately gagged on that one. It took several gulps of H20 and a few extra moments of praise to get her to trust me again. *oops* It's a good thing she has perseverance.

I love you, NBear.