Miso Happy!

First of all, sorry for the (almost) obvious tribute to THAT song when I wrote the title for this post. It's time to clear your minds now, and focus! :) (You can always sing the original version later)

Your task for today is to find the magical phrase on the box that means "NBear can eat this!" *see it yet? It may be a bit blurry - I'm no Annie Leibovitz*

Of course, we also have to watch out for EGGS, but this pack didn't contain any! Words couldn't describe how happy the Huz was when he came home and presented this box to me. After all, he knew - just like I did, how much his NBear loooovvvveeeessss this soup....when accompanied with a mountain of white rice.

As they say in my grandmother's country, Itadakimasu!!!

*just occurred...

...to me.* In his introduction to Jenny's book, Jerry J. Kartzinel (whose wonderful quote I use in my blog banner) writes the following about his son's recovery from autism:

"Fixing his diet required the removal of gluten-containing foods and all forms of dairy. What we experienced was staggering. We saw sleepless nights morph into complete and glorious SLEEP! By adding cod liver oil to his diet, we witnessed the return of eye contact and language!" (p. xvii)

Could something so elementary as adding FISH OIL to her diet really have made those recent pics as wonderful as they were?

I don't care. I'll take it. :)

the look of love:)

This is big.

I took four pics of NBear with her grandparents (my in-laws) this morning, and...

in all four of the pics, she is LOOKING directly at the camera. *jumping for joy!*

Even better was that I didn't even:

1) have to trick her into looking at the cam, or
2) struggle to try to get her attention for each shot (having sisters MBear and SBear try to cooperate was another story, though!)

*lol* The funny thing was not realizing she had done such a great job until I looked at the pics.

Thank you, once again:) *looking skyward*

12ac

'/['n'hjnm,,k
nnnnnn y78u5f4etgyy7lkl;k

''; fdfcshhljlkj;jjdhdhhshfg8uuyhjs.

"?
"

Translation:

Indeed, my older sister NBear is making progress! I enjoy the times she actually chooses - on her own- to play (and okay, fight) with me. Many times, mommy and daddy don't even have to prompt her! *yeah* She tries her best to make our conversations meaningful and fun - like the time she tried to start a discussion about the "animal" segment of an Elmo's World episode. I personally thought the giraffe was better, but she fought for the elephant. Ugh. More insight later.

By the way, like my awesome post title?

SisterMBear

aDORAble

In a recent post, I wrote: Hmmmmm....maybe the Dora boogie board her dad bought for her may come in handy after all! It's currently being used as a makeshift wagon / dance platform for MBear.

Just thought I'd add a visual for your viewing pleasure! :)

~ I'd like to thank MBear and her cousin H for keeping the boogie board up while I continued to nag about them "not showing ANY faces to the camera!" (I knew their cuteness would be a distraction from the true subject of the shot!)

photo shoot

After many grueling hours of hair and makeup, background lighting adjustments, and the pain of choosing the perfect location, it has all come down to this.

Presenting, NBear's biomeds arsenal in all their photogenic glory:

(the newest member to this group is the 200mg of ZEN bottle - Dr. Mielke called these pills "calming amino acids" :) Have they worked? Our answer is yes. NBear hasn't quite achieved her ULTRA ZEN state as of yet, but we'll take it! I wonder if they'll work for me.....

Pictured above is the "needs refrigeration" group. These supermodels were hard to deal with, considering they were extremely picky about superficial details like harsh light, and the amount of time they wanted to spend out of their cool environment. They were definitely a hard bunch to please! (from top: ProbioGold *probiotic capsules*, Glutathione topical cream, and - this was the hardest one to book because of its popularity - B-12 shot.)

Oh, the SAVAGE-ry!

“Now you want me to tell you my opinion on autism since I’m not talking about autism … a fraud, a racket”

“What do you mean they scream and they’re silent? They don’t have a father around to tell them don’t act like a moron, you’ll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz. Straighten up! Act like a man! Don’t sit there crying and screaming, idiot.’”

Yup, these words were actually muttered and BROADACASTED (is that the correct past tense?)by a man named Michael Savage - not too long ago- on his radio show called “The Savage Nation.”

Naturally, this caused an uproar in the autism world - parents and other advocates (including Holly Robinson Peete and her famous family), who called for his resignation. We even got an email from a very active member of PHP in our community, inviting us to protest in San Francisco today.

Want to know how I feel?
*Bracing myself for a flurry of unhappy comments - or perhaps, flattering myself that I even get that many readers?*
I feel....that he has the right to say whatever the heck he wants to say. Nope, that doesn't mean I don't CARE what he said, or that what he said didn't HURT - because I do (a bit), and it did. But - like all else in life - you pick yourself up and you keep on living. Mr. Savage is obviously not one who deals with autism on a daily basis. He's never experienced an iota of the stress and TRUE pain that our community has to endure - and never mind just the autism community, how about ALL parents who have kids with special needs?

So, with that being said.....why should we even bother? We know our kids, we know we're great parents, we know how our lives are. If he wants to blame parents for something we know we didn't cause, or call our kids names we know they don't deserve - let him. Believe me, I have known worse pain. His rant is not worth my time. Our fight is not with him. We must fight against an entity even bigger than a puny radio message.

*lol* And to those of you who truly do know me, you know the LAST thing I am is a wimp. I have had enough "don't-you-DARE-even-THINK-about-saying-anything-about-my-kid!" moments that I care to remember. (the most memorable moment being when I confrontated that lady in church, I may add)

In closing, I will say this: Mr. Savage is savagely LUCKY that he decided to utter those words behind closed doors, in the safety net of a radio station building.

Had he decided to say that to MY FACE, or to the face of any parent who, unlike him, understands what it is like to have a child with autism, well then...that would be another story. Wouldn't it? *evil smile*

On the other hand, thanks for the wonderful (and free) PR, Mr. Savage.

hello!

*aaahhh* New look, new post :)
- note: the links on this template aren't as obvious as they were on the last template I used, so feel free to wave your mouse over the light-brown text...(those should work!) Did this? That should take you to something that still tugs at my heart:)

Here we go! Friday was a swim day for both NBear and MBear. A million thanks to LMc and her three darling offspring J,M, and J for inviting us over to the community pool! Both my bears love little J, and can't wait to spend time with her. I was also glad to see the E-V family stop by! (Nice to NOT have any lesson planning books in tow for once, huh guys?)

NBear's love of water has always fascinated me. Most people who work with kids who have autism often find that the BLUE planet ranks high on their interest list. In fact, the school psychologist I work with said something to this effect, after I had mentioned that my NBear loved swimming: "I can't tell you how many kids I've worked with [on the autistic spectrum] that have had an absolute love of water and marine animals!" That was the same year I had "Pete", whom I mainstreamed in my fourth-grade class. Two words to describe him perfectly would be: MARINE EXPERT! Boy, could that kid tell you every little detail about any creature who had inhaled salt water. (He wasn't very interested in fresh water organisms, but can you blame him? Sharks versus bass....yeah. That was tough.)

A friend of mine told me about this surfing therapy they offered for autistic children. Oh my gosh, my NBear would be in heaven. I'd probably have a heart attack on shore while watching her do this because I know FIRSTHAND how hard it is to surf! (Not to mention that being an "island girl" does not necessarily mean you're born with a surfing gene...or the strength to even carry a surfboard!) On my search to look up more info on this topic, I happened upon this other blog. :) - although the last post was back in January :( Hmmmmm....maybe the Dora boogieboard her dad bought for her may come in handy after all! It's currently being used as a makeshift wagon / dance platform for MBear.

What I loved about NBear's afternoon in the pool:

~ interacted with little J - that's a BIG one, trust me!
~ LMc noticed that NBear told her to look at her (NBear's) new bathing suit! *lol*
~ LMc also told me that when D E-V's niece showed up, NBear said "I like your bathing suit, Little Mermaid!" (there was a picture of Ariel on her suit)

...and...*sigh* what I didn't like:

~having to leave early to take her meds before she fell asleep *sob*

~the hard time she gave me when I tried to rinse her off in the showers, and she discovered that the water was cold (and only came in that setting). I felt like a zookeeper trying to get Jumbo the mad elephant to take a shower - didn't know tug-of-war without a rope could last that long! I emerged from the shower room victorious, but my pants were drenched...along with the hair on the left side of my head. Oh, and the slippers that I thought were my beach ones - weren't.

C'est la vie!

there'd be days like this, my mama said...

(The song sounds so much better SUNG than in mini-lyric form!)

Oh boy. This morning was not a good one for NBear.

Huz and I recently decided - because of the cooling weather, NBear's room is less sauna-like than it had been during the heat wave - that it was time to have her sleep in "The Princess Bed" again. In other words, it was time for her to leave the comfort of mommy and daddy's HUGE bed, and learn how to enjoy the privacy of her own room. We threw in a new twist, though: she would be joined by her unwilling little sister, MBear. (and I mean 'unwilling' in the purest form, guys - this poor kid didn't see it coming until she was unceremoniously placed in her sister's bed, and the night light was switched on. If her thoughts were audible, the entire neighborhood would've heard: "WHAT THE HECK???....WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING???")

Needless to say, those two did not have an enjoyable night. Not only did they fight and fidget before actually going to sleep (this was not just limited to slapping, pulling hair, and kicking), but when they did fall asleep, it lasted a mere 3 hours. We awoke (or semi-awoke, on my part) to the relaxing sounds of the doorknob turning, two children crying and whining, and - the most dreadful of all - the sound of the bed squeaking as it adjusted to the weight of the two new bodies crawling under our comforters.

Sucky night = not much sleep = sucky morning = NBear's refusal to get dressed for school = refusal to take meds (she did later, though) and eat breakfast = getting to school late = refusal to get down from the car to go to her classroom ("I'm sick" were her exact words) = Huz's and my patience levels flying out the window. I had a patience level?

But, I must remember that - autistic or not - she is allowed bad days.
We all are.

...and what do we, her wonderful parents, do after we pick her up from school on this BAD day?

Why, we take her to Kaiser for a repeat urinalysis test that Dr. Mielke requested, of course. What grouchy kid wouldn't LOVE to be forced to sit on a toilet so mommy can collect her urine in a cup for the ump-teenth time? Huh? It was not a shock to me at all when - after they called her number - the only one walking up to the lab receptionist was.....ME.

Mommy: *signaling lovingly to NBear* Come here, honey!
NBear: *with a glare that could kill* No, thank youuuuuu!
Mommy: *whispering to avoid any MORE embarrassment* It's just pee-pee, honey. No blood, I promise, ok?
NBear: NO bleeding! No blood!
Mommy: *to the receptionist* I'm uhh...just....going...to get her..ok?
NBear: UH-UH! *shaking head*
Mommy: Come on, honey! I promise, just pee-pee...I promise:)

~alas, her test results came back, and oddly enough, the results were THE SAME as the initial test taken in May. (she showed a high amount of white blood cells in her urine - a sign, Dr. Mielke mentioned, that her body is fighting some sort of infection)

On that note, I must insert a HUGE thanks to NBear's pediatrician for being so willing to run these tests, despite the fact that they were requested by a doctor whose practices do not fall under their umbrella of care. I've heard many horror stories of parents whose pediatricians did not support any DAN! doctor protocols -let alone lab requests, and ended up having to pay for something their insurance companies could have easily covered. (These tests are NOT cheap!) *side note* The tests Dr. Mielke requested were what you would call "normal" tests, and are usually ordered on a regular basis for patients, anyway. She wanted to save us money by having our clinic - instead of hers - perform them:)

Don't get me started on the whole "insurance-won't-cover-this" issue, either.
I prefer to end my days on a good note. :)

~nite.

New friend :)

*for those of you who don't read my comments*

Carolyn was nice enough to leave this one for me:

Just found your blog through a "someone who knows someone who knows someone else" type link. Sounds like you're a devoted and tough mom ... I'm always inspired by people who make the choice to commit themselves to their children. (Lots of folks talk the talk but don't walk the walk.) Well done! (I'm in the A club too - check out my kid's service dog blog at CharlietheNorthStarDog.blogspot.com)

First of all, I am beyond elated that she found me! Even better is the ingenious way she called our community: The A Club. I can't stop smiling. (for those of who grew up on my island home, wasn't there an "A" Club thing they would have at T-House every quarter? I vaguely remember being able to get discounts for my mom because I did well on a report card...or maybe it was just a bad dream? The T-House items, not the grades. But, I digress...)

Second, I have a feeling LVJ - the aforementioned friendofafriendofafriend - helped out with this "hookup" (right?) I know she once sent me the link to Carolyn's blog and I was crazy enough to not check it out until now. I think it's amazing how children with autism respond to canine companions! NBear loves her cousins' dog Molly - a black, super-active labradoodle. We're still trying to get her to be less afraid of other pooches, but slow and steady really does win the race.
*Don't worry, Kobe - she'll hug you one day too, I know it!*

And last - but definitely not least - I have to be very clear about this: despite the fact that my devotion to NBear's program is evident in my writing, it is not NEARLY as high on the scale as my husband's is. He truly is the stronger one between the both of us. :)

~He is the one who frantically searches websites and joins a million online groups for the sole reason of finding things that will help.
~He does all the shopping and cooking (my friends know why) to make sure we follow Dr. Mielke's dietary advice to the T. Errr...and also to make sure that 1)I don't burn the kitchen down, and 2) I don't feel so bad that I give in to letting NBear have what she's not supposed to!
.........and that's only two items on a long list! (trust me!)

I hope to add more "A" Club members to this blog. :)

I love, I love, I love my calendar girl!

I had to start writing "B-12" shots with a dark sharpie since Dr. Mielke upped the frequency of her dosage. (It's - obviously - every other day now, which is a good thing!). TheHuz gives them to her while she's still dreaming about her favorite Pixar film.

I had the GRAND idea one day, of trying to have Huz give her the shot while she was still awake, and let's just say, it would have been much easier for us to tackle an American Gladiator.

Order UP!

FINALLY - this non-cooker has found her

saving grace!

Some of them are even EGG-free! Yessssssss!!!!

other thoughts

(from the Introduction, pg. xxiii)

You Don't Have to Be Extraordinary

One last thought: You know those mothers in those other autism books, the personal-memoir type? The mothers who are tough and strong and do scientific research on their own and never take a break from working with and fighting for their child?

I'm not like that at all. I am so not a mother tigress. I'm fairly shy, I'd rather go to lunch with my kid than sit in a room and drill him. I'll do anything to avoid confrontation, and I know absolutely nothing about the science of autism except that someone somewhere is trying to locate the genes for it, which would be helpful information, I guess.

I'm totally in awe of the kinds of mothers I've read about in those other books, the ones who knock down doors to get their kids what they need, who contact every expert they hear of, who question authority and read any bit of information they can get their hands on. They deserve their child's success, and I hope every one of them finds it. But I'm not like that, and if it's not your nature either, I don't think you need to be to help your child.

You just have to take the right steps and be willing to do some work.
Start by reading this book.

*as I've mentioned in an earlier post, ABA therapy and other behavioral strategies are wonderful - and vital - in complementing the DAN! program protocol. I'm enjoying this book! Mr. Other Half made the purchase (thank you, AMAZON for your cheap, used books), and I'm happy he did. NBear made her first huge leap when she had ABA time for five hours a week at home, courtesy of her school district;) We have to especially thank MandeeW (BMT = Behavior Management Therapist) for much of the progress NBEar has made. She was truly a god-send, and we miss her terribly! (As NBear puts it, "I wuv Mandee!")

*thanks, LVJ, for showing me how to put images on my posts. whatcha think?

huzandme

Me: *pouring NBear's precious pee from the "hat" into a huge orange jug* Wow! This is cool!

Him: Ummm, sweetie, you do realize that you're pouring pee into a container and thinking it's the coolest thing....?

Me: I am, huh? *short pause* Wouldn't this make a great post?

*side*
Sorry, readers - I'm home, and obviously have too much time on my hands. Besides, I've been transferring NBear's urine from the hat to the jug for the past 5 hours (well ok - the huz did 2 trips), and feel like one of those Nomadic women you read about in the Bible....."and so the young woman went back to the well......" Who knew this kid had the bladder capability of a mammoth?

Urine luck! (great title, honey!)

Wow - thanks for your happy thoughts and prayers, guys! NBear took the 3 DMSA tablets without a fight :) Now, I must add that they really didn't smell as sulfuric as I thought they would - I was even brave enough to take a brief whiff of the powder when I opened the capsule.

And ok - maybe the reason she was fine with downing them was because I DROWNED the powder in Cherry flavoring, and the "huz" shot the liquid in her mouth via syringe. The kid didn't even have a chance to blink before we both started chanting: "Swallow it, swallow it, swallow it!", like those white-faced voodoo priests before performing a cleansing rite. It's easy to recognize when a kid hasn't swallowed, anyway - their cheeks are ballooned, they don't breathe properly, and they refuse to take a swig of the "chaser" you've provided for them. (In her case, it was pear juice.) So, the chanting contined until all was well.

Now, we begin the pee portion.

We're supposed to collect her urine for the next 6 hours, right? Step # 1 is to lock the other bathrooms in the house, giving her access to only one. (thereby eliminating any missed samples) Step # 2, is to put a clever medical tool called a "hat" in between the rim and base of the porcelain throne. It is truly a lifesaver when one needs to collect both urine and stool samples. Wanna join the club? :)

....more later. Lunch calls.

Charles Bronson's got nothin'....

...on these members of the TRUE Dirty Dozen.

Just food for thought.

I love puns.

I'm okay! Really.....I.....am....

Our minds are so full of information right now, it wouldn't surprise me if brain matter started oozing out of our noses.

Meeting #2 with Dr. Mielke was all about answering our questions (phase 1), going over the lab results (phase 2), and getting the rest of our pharmacy goodies (phase 3) - all in a mere two hours. Needless to say, phase two was my least favorite:

So - she hands us a stack of papers and said they were NBear's lab results. You're kidding, right? - sneered my inner dark self - this REAM looks like the rough draft of the book "War and Peace"! We're going through all of this? Shouldn't you have allotted 6 hours, then? How could 1 stool sample, 1 hair sample, and 3 urine samples have come to this? *side: I must remind myself to post about THAT experience as well! We could all use a hefty laugh.* Alas, all I had the strength to say was, "Oh." Here is what we (hubby and moi) were told, or rather, how we understood what we were told:

*NBear had some serious viral issues - results showed that her digestive tract tissues had some serious inflammation going on

*As for food allergies, our hearts sank when EGG WHITES and YOLK were on her "not-to-eat" list. There go the morning over-easies, the gluten-free cake mixes.....*sob*....also on the list was wheat, rye, cow's milk, and our good friend, gluten. Incidentally, her body's reaction to gluten was so high (she scored a 0.859 on a scale of 0-1!) that Dr. Mielke wondered if the poor child could possibly even suffer from celiac disease. (same link, but look at the 5th paragraph. *lol* Notice the last sentence there? I hope the Pope plans on hiring some people from the "Gluten-Free Eucharist Ministry". Soon.)

*Yes, metal toxins - mercury, lead, arsenic - were still an issue. Chelation was definitely going to have to happen, if we wanted to move forward. I'm not going to lie about my fear of chelation. How can I possibly be 100% FINE when there are things like this and this? OMG. We did receive a test kit - called the Challenge kit - to see if NBear would have a "positive" reaction to the chelator known as DMSA. (I'm assuming that "positive" in this context does not mean happy faces and plus signs, but rather if:

1) she is willing to take the chelator orally, despite the fact that its sulfuric content matches that of a rotten egg...in both smell and taste, I may add. *clearly remembering Dr Mielke's face as she stressed the words "...it...tastes....hooorrrrriiiibbbllleee!"

2) she does not have a bad reaction (a bad reaction to ingesting rotten egg-like powder? Now who ever heard of such a possibility?)

3) it works for her. Alas, some chelators can be picky with the metals they choose to adhere to, and may not secrete them as planned. Let's hope NBear's metals are high on the attractive list .

Would it be so bad to ask all of you who read this to please ask the big G-man (aka J-man, HS-man) to keep her in mind when I administer the test tomorrow? *groan* I'll also have to follow her around for 6 hours after the capsules are taken. Just call me Princess Urine-Collector. *Where's the catheter when I need it?*

***Last Word:
~ Two teary tantrums and one "woe-is-me" speech to hubby later.......and I am fine. really.
Did I also mention that my wallet is now concave? That book idea doesn't sound so bad after all.

ode to Dr. Seuss

I don't want shower! I heard her say, as she yelled across the room

But you just came from school and you're wet as a pool - don't worry, you'll be done, then- Boom!

No BOOM, mommy! I don't like Boom! - then came the explosion of tears

Come on, please NBear? You have to get clean! When was WATER ever one of your fears?

I struggled to remove her sticky striped blouse, which caught on her face as I tugged

The water was running, the crying kept going, so I looked at her and just simply....hugged. :)

page 176

"....Someone needs to figure out what the hell is going on, or we're going to have much bigger problems than global warming. In the seventies, it used to be one in ten thousand children were autistic. Now it's one in a hundred fifty. What will it take for people to wake the hell up? One in five children will be autistic, and then what - we can't procreate anymore? If I were a young woman wanting to get pregnant, I would be very afraid...very...afraid."

-- from Louder Than Words, By Jenny McCarthy

This is not to say that we all should really be petrified to have kids! Of course not, and I'll have to disagree with my hero on that part :) We just have to exercise more caution when it comes to the things we are so used to considering "regular stuff" (i.e. vaccinations)

I'm honored :)

Thank you, my friend!

....especially about the beautiful and honest part! (Although one of those is still debatable - a true friend would know which one I mean *wink*)

Remember the days when the only kids in our circle were just NBear and JBear?

Baby dust is some serious stuff.

tidbits

* today NBear got her NINTH B-12 shot

* it has been 34 days since we started her on biomeds - including the diflucan - and 26 days of taking the full dose of supplements (had to introduce one supplement a day to make sure she wouldn't have any adverse reactions)

* her follow-up appointment is THIS FRIDAY @ 9:30am, with Dr.Mielke (see her website on my list of links), which we're really excited/anxious/nervous about because it's "let's-discuss-her-lab-results" day *breathe!*...thanks for agreeing to watch NBear and SBear, grandma - and an advance thank you to S.I.L.- G for agreeing to have MBear at the bakery! (You don't know what you're getting yourself into, but thanks!)

*and a great big thanks to my friends and family who read this - I trust you will tell anyone who is going through a similar situation that this BLOG is for them too! :)

ice cream and cake

Nope, NBear can't have either one (unless there's no dairy or wheat, of course - like this), but believe it or not, she LOVES this ridiculous song. (Plus, she knows all the moves by heart). Aye.

30-Second Meds

And now, let's put our hands together for America's favorite meds-mixer, Machel Vay!

*applause machine goes off*

Hello everyone, and welcome to another segment of 30-Second Meds, where a good dose, is never more than half a minute away! I'm your host, Machel Vay *beaming smile* - let's begin!

Alright you guys - this is sooo easy, even a man can do it while watching his favorite football game. See-ree-ously! I'm going to need a Nu-Thera tablet, a trace minerals tablet as well *opening bottles and grabbing a piece from each* - you can TOTALLY find all these ingredients at your nearest GNC or Whole Foods stores, by the way, although I was lucky enough to be able to purchase them through my daughter's DAN! doctor.

Hmmmm...oh yes, and let me grab this container of Magnesium powder, and this calcium powder while I'm at it. *balancing each one in the crook of her arm* Whoops - almost lost one there! Maybe I should put these down on the counter...just like that! Haha! Sorry, Giada - grabbed your line there, girl! You know I love ya!

*returning to the kitchen cupboard* No, I didn't forget ya, Mr. strawberry-flavored cod liver oil! Come to mama. Now - you want to get one that says "omega-3" on it - or is that on all of them? Who knows? It's good for you, and the strawberry flavor keeps the gag reflex down. Aaaaalways a Pa-LUS! Okay guys - we're almost ready to start, but keep in mind that there is a last ingredient we'll be needing, it'll have to wait to join the mix until the last second though, because it has to stay in the refrigerator 'til we need it.

'Kay - now you grab yourself a small dipping bowl - you know, like this one *holds small porcelain bowl up*, where you would put a dipping element like peanut sauce or ketchup. The neat thing about this recipe you guys, is that you don't even need to go in any particular order! How...great.....is....THAT!? You just get the right measurements, and BAM! Haha - stole that one from my good friend Emeril! YOU ROCK, MAN! But seriously - you just put everything into this bowl like so:

Open up the Nu-Thera and Trace Minerals tablets, and spill the contents into the bowl. Can everyone say Mmmm...mmm? That looks wonderful already! All powdery and just light and fluffy! Do you see how the light orange color of the Nu-Thera just complements the beige of the trace minerals? Wonderful. Okay, now we're going to need a quarter teaspoon EACH of the calcium and magnesium powders. *dropping those in the bowl* Wow. I mean, just - wow. Now the pure white hues - can you see it? Let's get a close-up right here, camera guy - are just brightening the whole thing up. Beautiful. I cannot wait!

Now it's time for Mr. CLO, or cod liver oil, you know I love those shortcuts - EVOO, remember? *laughing to herself* Let's get a medicine dropper for this baby and measure out 1 teaspoon, and just drizzle it onto our dry ingredient mix. There. Perfect.

Remember our mystery ingredient? *opening refrigerator* It's time for him to make his grand entrance - say hello to Pro-biotic! You'll need one tablet as well. It's really important *opening up tablet and spilling contents into the mix* to remember to save this for last because it really does need to stay cold - probiotics are live cultures, so when they're exposed to heat they don't survive. Think of yogurt, you know? These babies are great in helping with digestion, and just basic tummy health!

*mixing* All.....righty! Mix this baby up until all the chunks melt into the solution - it should start to turn orange, like you see here. Ooohhhh yes! Looks like we've got another winner here! Love it, love it, love it! Now, depending on your kid, use either a regular spoon, or a medicine dropper like we used for the CLO. I know my girl started with the dropper, but once she got used to the taste, she was ALL SPOON, baby. I'm so proud of her! I love you, NBEAR! *blowing kiss*

And there you have it, folks - meds in 30 secs! What'd I tell ya? I'm Machel Vay, and always remember - a great dose, is never more than half a minute away! See you next time - I've got to find NBear! ;)

*fade to black, and cut to commercial on making our vaccines safe*

shutting down the shut downs

Okay - enough of the dark moment already! There is much to celebrate:)

For starters, NBear now has TWO movies (two!) under her belt: Kung Fu Panda, and Wall-E. It took seven years, but was well worth the wait - these were the first movies she actually sat through and didn't "shut down" to. [shut down = fingers desperately jammed into her ears*, refusal to enter the movie theater, kicking, screaming, burying her face in our chests or on the nearest chair, closing her eyes the entire time, crying that she needs to go potty just to escape the experience] *she still does the ear thing, but it's not an act of desperation anymore - more like, an odd habit;)

Children with autism experience outside stimuli in a very different way. "Normal" people can take in multi-sensory experiences without feeling afraid or stifled, while people like my NBear end up feeling overwhelmed by them. When presented with an experience like the movies, she doesn't (or in this case, didn't) see the entertainment aspect of it at all because there were so many other things that made her uncomfortable: the loud sounds, the sudden darkness, the huge screen projecting larger-than-life images, the murmur of voices all around her, and her inability to shield her eyes and ears from ALL of that.

From what I have witnessed with her these past years, my best analogy for how she felt would be this - imagine sitting on a comfortable chair in your bedroom, blindfolded. You know the sounds, and smells and feel at ease. Then, you feel people pick you up (still on your chair) off the floor, and you can feel them taking you somewhere else, somewhere you're not familiar with. Then, you feel them put you on a roller coaster. Still blindfolded. Now - pretend you fear roller coasters more than life itself. You know what's coming, but you can't stop it, and you don't know how to keep yourself calm enough to endure the ordeal.......and that was how movies were to her.

Loud noises still bother her nowadays. Her last shut down episode was also the first time I ever cried because she was autistic (believe it or not). She freaked out because the DJ and host at the C-S Vegas wedding was too loud :( - at least for her liking. She was able to survive many "possible shut down" incidents by performing her trademark "I can't listen to this" pose. *I thought I could get her to stop doing that when I brought a set of headphones in my bag to prepare her for Kung-Fu Panda, but LM brought up the fact that she enjoys her own fingers because she can control the amount of pressure she decides to put on her ears.* (did you all get that mouthful?)

So - it was no surprise that when we went to watch Circus Vargas, she kept her fingers in her ears for most of the show - especially the parts with the clowns and the loud banging noises (what is it with clowns and cannons, anyway?). The clowns also scared her enough to make her close her eyes, which caused her defensive father to put in his own two cents: "Well, they DID look kinda weird!", and her mom following suit: "Yeah! Besides, even grown men are afraid of clowns, right? Aren't so-and-so also suffering from the 'IT' phobia? Hmph!" In the end, a good time was had by all. :)

- survive a movie {check}
- survive the circus {check}
- be able to watch at least 10 minutes of 4th of July fireworks {check} *thanks, K family!*

We're on a roll, baby!.........yeeeeee-hah!

not funny

Alright. Brace yourselves. This is not going to be one of my lighthearted entries, unfortunately. When you live with autism, there truly are the dark moments, and if you don't give in to them sometimes, (as most shrinks will tell you...trust me, I know!) they will consume you. *funny that if you replaced the word "autism" in that last sentence with "vampires", it would still make complete sense. Hmmm...they both do have a way of sucking the life out of things. *shrug*

Back to bracing yourselves. My mom made her usual Saturday visit today so I could take MBear to "gin-a$$-tics" (as she says it). I love her "coach" because she allows me to take NBear to the sessions, and NBear LOVES them! I can't take her all the time because:

#1, she towers over all the ant-sized 1 to 2-year olds in the class, and when she gets excited about a certain obstacle course, it's like a scene from "Godzilla versus the Lilliputians"
#2, I am taking FREE advantage of the class (and I feel guilty already)
and #3, MBear gets very frustrated when I don't give her 150% of my attention when she wants to show me her "jump and stick its" and "forward rolls".

sigh.

Okay - so gina$$tics was done, I come home and feel totally cabin-fevered. My mom was gracious enough to allow me to take the N and M monsters out while she watched SBear. So - I decide to finally make a trip to BestBuy at McCarthy Ranch. Enter the dark moment.

Alright, alright...so it was MY fault - I didn't realize that he would go so fast on his LEFT turn when I made my RIGHT turn into the same driving space - but nonetheless, I immediately raised my left hand in utter defeat, and mouthed the words "I'm sorry" to his glazed windshield - all while listening to the continuous sound of his angry horn. *which is beyond irritating, by the way - and yes, it does work exceptionally when you want to get a person riled up, or scared beyond belief*

That wasn't the problem. What I thought would be a 2-minute fit of fury became an almost 15-minute parking lot rage episode. My plan to secure a parking space at BestBuy was foiled when I looked in my rearview mirror and he was still tailing me. Okay, I thought, I'll drive a little past here and...but nope, still tailing me. I drove in and out of some of the other parking areas, circled parts of the lot, drove as slowly as I could to irk him into defeat, but to no avail. It was seriously starting to drive me nuts! NUTS! After the first few minutes I realized he wasn't going to stop, I had the mad idea to park the van in a crowded spot (Wal-Mart topped my list at that moment), and just let us both de-steam. (What the heck? I haven't yelled at anyone in a long time, and the last time I got this much confrontational excitement was too many years ago! Bring it on!)

"Mommy? I want to...I want to..watch..DVD Peter and the Wolf, pwweeeaassseee?"

The sound of NBear's voice made me freeze. Up until this point, I was so engulfed in being irked, that I forgot I had the girls with me. Now I felt something else entirely: mad, crazy, and undeniably thick FEAR. My mind suddenly kicked into mommy-mode, and went through a list of what-ifs that included:
- what if mad driver has a gun?
- what if he threatens me with the girls?
- what if he never stops following me? How can I ever take them home safely?
- what if he's already taken down my license plate and - God forbid - knows where to find us?

I can't even think of a word to convey the extent of fear I felt in those minutes, but I do know this: it does not even come close to the fear I felt for NBear and her future, should she ever have to face a situation like this one. My dark moment had arrived. I laid out the possibilities in my head, and asked myself - would she even know when to scream for help? Would she even know that there was a reason to scream? How would I be able to tell her to run for help if she was the only way we could save ourselves? *panic, panic, panic* I tried to shut my mind up, but it was on a roll - What if he saw that there was no fear in her eyes, that she even smiled at him? What could he do to her then? oh, no no no no.... and then (in my head) I saw a vivid image of a man yanking my van door open, and pressing a silver object to my chin. He turns to look at the girls in the back seats, and very lovingly says Hello there! Who wants to come and see pets? I hear NBear's excited squeal and the sound of her seat belt unbuckling, and the incredible pressure in my throat prevents me from screaming for her to stay......

I don't know how I managed to shake him off, but I did. *thanks, God* I drove to the nearest gas station to allow my pulse to slow down (plus I was almost running on fumes, which added to my earlier panic attack). It was beating so fast that it seemed to be in rhythm with the rising numbers on the pump screen. For the first time in years, my yoga days were not in vain. *breathe, breathe, breathe* Of course my eagle eyes were still on the lookout for the other car, but most of the feeling was replaced my numbness, and that was enough relief :)

Even before this happened, I already had the nightmares. I believe every parent does, anyway. (When your child has special needs though, you can be an exception because they even happen in the day. Daymares, I guess they're called. Lots and lots of daymares.) I watched a special on autism where one father said something like "I still have those nightmares about her future, and I don't know how to make them go away."

Ditto, my friend. I hear ya.

Loud and clear.

Take good care of my baby...

NBear's BABY sister, SBear (there's also MBear in the middle!) - has new bottles and formula.

We decided to toss the "hand-me-down" Avent bottles (Thanks to Rdriel for the motivation :) and replace them with safer, more e-friendly bottles called Born Free. Husband found them at Whole Foods. They're a little tricky to put together, being that there is an extra part that needs to go in between the bottle neck and nipple attachment, but we figure it's worth it if we don't have to deal with those extra chemicals. It's safe enough (they claim) to be warmed up in the microwave. We're not taking that chance, though.

As for her formula, a no-brainer: opted to switch the Enfamil to this one. They have great baby food too! We also bought natural shower products and lotion for the kiddies:) If my sister-in-law could see me now! *LOL*

The BIG "O"

Organic, or not organic - that is the question.

I must admit that when my sis-in-law had her first child (many years ago) and she was determined to allow only organic foods and triple-purified microbes to enter the kid's body, I was beyond hysterics. Hey - and so was hubby, so I'm not letting him off THIS hook! I remember the days she would be dressed in her nightgown, hair looking like a bird's unkempt nest, shoving down packs of organic veggies and fruit down the blender's throat...it was a sight to behold. The kitchen cupboards looked like something out of a science experiment: words like "probiotic", "chemical-free", "organic", "hemopathic"(?) and "no-hormone" appeared in every single food and household item that belonged to her family.

And now, I am the sight.

I never thought the legends were true - stories about an organic section in supermarkets like Safeway and Nob Hill. One other tale even made me shudder: it told of a magical place called Whole Foods - where it was not just a SECTION, but an ENTIRE store dedicated to this healthy way of life. You mean this place really existed? The first time I saw the words "Whole Foods" was in a caption underneath Angelina Jolie's picture in US magazine. Sure she had a basket in her hands, but for all I knew, she was snapped filming a scene for a new movie...called...."Skinny Girls Always Get the Hunks"...but - I digress.

My first trip to Whole Foods was inevitable, since embracing this new program for NBear. I swear, if anyone EVER looked like a fish out of water, it was me. It wasn't a scary experience - just overwhelming. Extremely overwhelming. As I navigated through the seemingly -endless aisles of "all things good for you", I was relieved to find the huge selection of GFCF items. I mean, HUGE. It made me feel like GFCF people were a new species, with my little one belonging to their list :( Let me also add that if you're in the mood for looking at meds and supplements from Aloe Vera juice to Gingko extract, well - you've found your mecca. (In addition, if you're into drinking colostrum - didn't look long enough to see if it was human or not - they sell that too! *turning green* White plastic bottle. Milk section. Salut!)

My run at the health store heaven was not without its share of interesting conversation:

Hubby: This is cereal?
Me: *eyeing he green box* Yup!
Hubby: Rice bran with Green Tea Matcha? What the heck?
Me: Hey - it's HEALTHY! Isn't that why you sent me there? You said she needs to eat healthy and organic foods.
Hubby: I know, I know...(*I think I heard him mouth "SHE, not US" somewhere in there*)
Me: AND - look what I found! *Holding up a bottle of Peach Kifer* Wasn't this what you looked up? It says here - "a great probiotic"! Let's try it. *ripping open the plastic rim around the top*
Hubby: *speechless, looking at the determination and zeal in my eyes*
Me: *taking my first swig* Wow....this...tastes...ummm.....thick. Really thick....and....wow.

WAIT! WE INTERRUPT THIS POST TO SHARE THIS IMPORTANT INFORMATION: NBEAR JUST WALKED UP TO ME, TOYS IN HAND AND SAID: "Mommy, you want to play toys with me?" YEEEE-----HAH! FIRST TIME EVER! I HAVE TO GO! :)

....by the way, the whole Kifer thing didn't work out. It's sitting on my refrigerator shelf. Probiotic or not, TASTE must always factor in, somehow, n'est pas?

LAST BIT: If you want to see a mini GNC, come on over. I'm sure all parents whose children are on this program will agree.

Has it been that long?

Yikes. Fallen behind on posts - my first dip in the blogging world, I guess?

NBear's BMTs (Behavior...something...something - I'm so bad, but in my field where abbreviations and acronyms rule the world, you can't blame me for forgetting some! Just keep in mind that they are equivalent to aides for children in SDC classes) anyway, her BMTs at summer school were mentioning an increase in her eye contact during activites, as well as less-teeth grinding moments. :)

The BEST thing? None of them even know she's started on this biomeds program.

We wanted to keep them in the dark so they weren't "consciously looking" for improvements (or regressions). We can't keep our smiles off our faces!

*looking towards the sky* Thank you.